Knowing how to deal with toxic family members can be tricky, especially when they are an elder. Where do you start and how can you deal with toxic family members in a healthy way while still establishing your boundaries?

Knowing what is toxic behaviour?

Can a family member be toxic? What does toxic behaviour look like? Catching the red flags early can prevent uncomfortable situations from unfolding or becoming worse. Toxic behaviour can be seen as someone who: 

• Uses emotional manipulation to get what they want 
• Deliberately ignores your feelings, needs or rights
• Displays negative behaviour towards everything you do by speaking negatively about everything you do or calling you names
• Violates your boundaries even after you have communicated them
• It's their way or the highway
• Acts entitled
• Refuses to compromise
• Makes unfair demands 
• Does not have the ability to apologize when wrong
• Lies or guilt-trips you into doing things for them

Practical steps to deal with toxic family members

Trying to control how a difficult family member acts can be hard. However, having control over choosing how you react to them can make it easier to deal with them. Healthy steps to take when it comes to this are:

Be clear with your boundaries. Standing your ground when it comes to setting boundaries can be uncomfortable. However, being honest with a family member and communicating your boundaries of how you would like them to communicate and treat you is important. There are instances where they may not be aware of how their behaviour impacts you. Being honest and setting boundaries can backfire in some situations, but it will also give them a clear picture of where you stand.

Learn where to focus your energy. Having to constantly repeat yourself to people who deliberately choose to disrespect your boundaries can be exhausting. Instead of using your energy in situations that leave you drained, practice detachment to help you stay away from topics and family issues you would not want to get involved in. Detachment can be in the form of not choosing to participate in messy situations, topics that incite strong emotions, ending a conversation or leaving when you feel a boundary you have set is being violated. 

Saying no. One of the hardest things you can do is stand up to manipulating family members and saying no. Putting your foot down can be interpreted as a personal attack on them or disrespect when it is an elder but establishing boundaries in terms of what you can and cannot do and what you are willing to be a part of is essential. Keep in mind that you may never be able to change their behaviour, but you can have control over what you choose to allow and how you react.